


Journal of a COVID Crusader

by HearthBread



Category: Diary - Fandom, my life - Fandom
Genre: Diary/Journal, Journalism, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28970349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HearthBread/pseuds/HearthBread
Summary: Hey, I am HearthBread! I am a 15 (soon 16) year old male with ADD, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and a few others I am forgetting. And, no, not self diagnosed. I am a musician during COVID, and this is my journal! Feel free to read my wack ass shit and stuff! I can get a bit vulgar at times, but oh well. I will be using vague words as to not leak about my personal life and stuff, but I hope you enjoy reading about my current situations! :)





	Journal of a COVID Crusader

1-24-21

I don’t know what’s wrong. I am sitting in my bed, and I am struggling to find a purpose. I’ve tried a lot, thought a lot, and I don’t know what to do. Hell, I even looked up “what do I do” on Google. Like Jesus Christ, who does that? But regardless, I feel so muddled in the head. This whole COVID shit has sorta fucked me in the head. Oh right, sorry for the swearing and all, I tend to do this when I am upset. I think I might post this on an online forum or something, that might be cool huh? Regardless, today was an odd day. I worked. And worked. And, yeah you guessed it, worked some more. Yet, I don’t feel I accomplished something. I used to be the sort that would turn on a console or something, and boom, an hour passed. I could find something interesting in literally anything, from a pair of shoes, to a painting, to my face, even the void that filled my head when I shut my eyes. The only thing that keeps me running is music. Constant music, no matter what, it’s there. I can count on it when I am at my highest and lowest. And yet, that seems like my downfall. I also am the kind to do, for lack of better words, pretty shittily in school. I tried to fix it this year, and even now I suck. However, in music, somehow I excel. I mean, like where’s that gonna get me in life? My only hope is music now. I mean hell, that, height, and strength are all I’ve got going for me. I am DEFINITELY not a looker (at least in my books), and if someone took a look at my grades, they’d probably think “jeez, this kid’s not good for much is he?” But it’s all okay. I’ve always struggled with this sort of thing. I want there to be something that I can spend time on and have it be worth it. Hell, I used to play Xbox every day, and now I haven’t touched it in 4 weeks. I feel I’ve changed, and yet I am stuck in the same loop of shit every day. I struggle to find motivation now too. I desperately want to be happy or with someone or just comforted, and yet, I can’t. My mind just tells me it's not worth it. I’ve always heard of “the battle of wills”, but maybe I am having a battle with my own wills. I miss being able to do what I want to do, doing what I need to do, doing what I feel is right. Because that was taken from me, but at the same time I have learned so much. For instance, I nearly burnt my house down today! I know, sounds fun right? But no, I learned how to properly wire stuff and things; that and a million other things are what I have learned. Ooh, look! I just used a semicolon properly! How fun! But on a serious note, this really sucks. You know, I had just gotten a girlfriend, not my first but ya know, it was still special. But that was gone, almost in an instant, all to my own fault. I’ve taken so many hits, been in so many rounds, and yet every time I come back, without a second thought. I guess it's a sort of reliability for myself, like an automatic fall-back from where I am. And yet, here I am, thinking of the million ways I’ve fucked up in the past month. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me, or if everyone else is in the same boat as me, but they’ve gotten over it. I just want to be okay, if that makes sense. I feel like I do so much, yet it's never enough, never good enough, never fast enough, never what people want. I want to fill my time with someone or something that wants to spend time with me, not just someone that needs me to do work for them or entertain them when they’re bored, but because they like the person I am and maybe because they care. You know, it's sort of cliche, but I would gladly take someone who genuinely cared about me over, I dunno, like a million dollars. Perhaps if it was 2 million it would be a different story, but that’s all besides the point. I am only joking of course, if there was someone who cared, there wouldn’t be a single thing I would not do. Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin is an amazing song, I just happen to be listening to it right now. I recently watched Tsuredure Children, a great anime, but I am WAY too single to watch it. It was also really short, so short in fact that I finished it in a night. As cliche as it sounds, I guess, from starting relationships, to Led Zeppelin songs, to anime, to performances, to workouts, to even cooking a meal, all good things have to come to an end. 

Your Friend,  
HearthBread


End file.
